Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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