Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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