My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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