My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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