my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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