Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and she was petting her beer can
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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