He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
