he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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