look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
