I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
