I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
