I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
