I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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