I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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