i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
