Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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