life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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