:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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