I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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