I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
