Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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