There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
