upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I had your ass I would rule the world
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
