even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
