Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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