the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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