I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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