The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
