whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
