I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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