God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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