I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
