i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
