Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
