I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
