So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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