Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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