She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
