Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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