Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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