first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
