I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
