Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
