meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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