So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
