there's paper in my vomit.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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