i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
