My friends, they love my intelligence
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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