Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
