i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
