I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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