I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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