I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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