I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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