i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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