so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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