She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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