I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
